O.k. Consider me the worst blogger ever. Well, maybe not the worst ever, but it’s been awhile since my last post, July 22 I think…wow! As I sit here and eat my sausage and cheese biscuit ( which has become way too familiar of a food for me-that, cheerios, yogurt, and fruit have been my staples for the last three months), I’m realizing that not much has really happened in terms of big deal things. You already know that we’re having a baby, we’ve moved, and Andrew has a new job. But, big deal things have happened in terms of our hearts. I know I’ve complained about being nauseous and sick, but it really has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. Jesus has allowed a lot of emotionally tough happenings in my life, but not a lot of physically tough happenings. I’ve always been pretty healthy and have only had one major surgery, and that was getting my wisdom teeth out. That was pretty entertaining, I must say. Anesthesia always makes life better. Kidding…well, I kind of wouldn’t mind some right now. Anyways, it’s been really rough. I know a lot of women experience “morning sickness.” By the way, the dingbat who coined that termed must have been a man, because only 10-20 percent of women have nausea and sickness in the morning. It’s more like an all day event.
I’m normally pretty outgoing and chipper, but that has not been the case the past three months. Many days, I haven’t been able to get out of bed and nor do I want to many of those days. It kind of feels like I’ve had the flu for three months, except when I throw up I don’t really feel any relief. Sorry if that’s more information than you wanted to know. There’s something about being pregnant that makes any kind of filter I once had disappear altogether. Working on that. As you can imagine, being in a brand new city with only a few contacts and not being able to get out consistently has been an emotional roller coaster. If I were feeling like my normal self, I would be rollerblading, walking downtown talking to homeless people, making lunch dates every day, and climbing big mountains with Andrew. But, I haven’t been my normal self. It’s a good day when I can get out for more than 2 hours. This has caused a deep sadness in my heart and put a lot of strain on my marriage. I keep playing the “if only” card with myself some days. “If only I were in Fayetteville, my friends and my family could come to me and I wouldn’t have to get out and make such an effort.” Basically, it stinks to know that life would be a little easier back in Fayetteville, but easy isn’t really what God’s about. He’s about real, true, love. I mean, I don’t think easy would be a word Jesus would use to describe dying on the cross. But, I think would describe the experience as real, true, love. That kind of love is the kind of love that he is working in all of us, everyday, and it’s anything from easy to grow into.
I don’t usually get mad at God much, but I’ve been pretty mad at him the past three months. Knowing he has the power to take away this sickness but has not taken it away yet has left room for all kinds of lies from the enemy. I weave in and out of bitterness toward my situation and ultimately toward God. But, recently I had several revelations from Jesus about my situation. One of those was brought by reading Job. I can’t say I know exactly how he felt, but I definitely can sympathize with him. It’s interesting that, although Job had his family and possessions taken from him first, he still had a godly perspective… “Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” His response was worship. And he kept the perspective that God knows exactly what he’s doing. He didn’t dwell only on his situation, he dwelt on who God was. But, after God allowed Satan to strike Job with painful sores all over his body. Even though it wasn’t at first, shortly after this physical torment had befallen Job, he started dwelling on himself and his situation and not on the goodness and character of God. I wonder what the state of his heart would have been if only he had dwelt upon the truths of God in the midst of his afflictions, rather than just dwelling on his afflictions? Well Job, I’ve been right there with ya, buddy. I’ve dwelt so much on my situation and this silly sickness that I haven’t spent much time dwelling on the beauty, the goodness, and the overall character of my God.
I’ve often thought that I can’t complain to God about my situation because that’s me complaining about him, but through some of the lament psalms, I’ve realized that I can lament to God about my troubles and at the same time praise him for who He is. Check out this guy’s story. “My heart is blighted and withered like grass; I forget to eat my food. Because of my loud groaning I am reduced to skin and bones. I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruines. I lie away; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. All day long my enemies taunt me; those who rail against me use my name as a curse.” Psalm 102:4-8. And then he also says in the same passage, “But you, O Lord sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations. You will arise and have compassion on Zion, for it is time to show favor to her;” Psalm 102:12-13. He is able to lament his circumstances to God, but also bring worship. I think this is what God wants. He doesn’t want us to ignore the pain that’s caused by our circumstances, but he also wants us to remember who He is and worship him in the midst of all the pain.
Another revelation came from my good friend, Rachel Gronwald. She’s reading a book called, From Prison to Praise. It’s basically about how God wants us to praise him and thank him for everything, even the painful circumstances he allows because he brings only good from every situation we find ourselves in according to Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This has really transformed my perspective lately. I find myself praising him as I hurl the only meal I’ve eaten. Weird, huh? He will only bring good out of that vomiting though…isn’t that cool? Sorry, I know I’ve written a novel, but just wanted to share what Jesus has been doing in my heart. Even though I’ll be 13 weeks along tomorrow and I’m still pretty sick, Jesus will bring only good from all of it. I’m trying to live everyday with that truth bound around my heart. Won’t you join me?
